Supporting Our Kids Through Divorce

Whether you’re contemplating, planning, or coparenting after divorce, if you’re a parent it’s important that your children are your top priority. As you make decisions along this journey, put yourself in the shoes of your children in order to best support your kids. Think about the consequences for them, try to see the outcome through the eyes of your four, eight, or fifteen-year-old. Ask yourself, what will they say about this when they are grown adults? Ideally, we want them to appreciate the way we handled the divorce. Not necessarily the divorce itself, but the way it was handled.

The choices you make will affect your children for years even, decades to come. For their sake, try to take the high road and be the role model they will come to respect and later want to emulate.

When we think of divorce, we often assume it will be detrimental to our kids. However, research shows us that it is not the divorce itself that is detrimental, it’s the conflict and tension that creates the most difficulties for the kids. Let me say that again, It’s not the divorce itself! Parents can ease the process for their kids by eliminating battles, disrespectful behavior, and emotional outburst anywhere near (or in ear shot) of the kids. That means no fighting on the phone, in another room, during transitions or when talking with friends.

When you belittle, put down, or in any way disrespect your child’s other parent, regardless of how justified it may feel, it hurts your children in deep and long-lasting ways.

Kids innately love and feel connected to both their parents. When you insult their other parent, it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, anger, insecurity, and low self-esteem.

Instead, support your kids by reminding them that both of you will always be their parents and will always love them. Reassure them that no one will replace their parents either. “We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things change.” Then make it your business to show them this as your truth.

Don’t wait for emotional or behavioral problems to appear. It is often wise to talk to a coparenting coach so that you have the knowledge and tools necessary to support your children throughout this process. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc., and feel heard by an objective party. Ask friends, pediatricians, divorce coaches, or school professionals for referrals to professionals experienced with helping children through divorce.

During Divorce: Separate without Blaming or Shaming Your Kids

It is not unusual or children to blame themselves for the divorce no matter how bad their parents’ relationship has been. Studies tell us the younger our children, the more likely this is to be true. Sit down together and talk to your kids, emphasizing that they are in no way at fault. Reassure them there is nothing they can do or could have done to change the outcome of the situation.

Obviously divorce results in changes within the family. Some of those changes can be challenging. Others will be beneficial and create a more peaceful environment for your children. It is important to address these issues. Remind the kids that the family is changing, and change is a part of life and not necessarily bad. Remind your children that things around them change every day. Seasons change, they get bigger, teachers change, their tastes change. Let them know that despite the marriage ending, their family is not ending.