Is Your Coparent a Narcissist?

Is Your Co-Parent Really a Narcissist? Here’s What You Need to Know

Let me tell you how nearly half of my client inquiries begin:

An exhausted, frustrated parent tells me, "I know everyone says this, but my co-parent really is a Narcissist."

Nearly half again start with an exhausted, frustrated parent saying, "My co-parent thinks I'm a Narcissist. I really don’t think I am."

So, is your co-parent a narcissist? Maybe. But before you label them, let’s take a deeper look at what’s really going on.

Why Does It Feel Like Your Co-Parent Is So Difficult?

If your co-parenting dynamic is high-conflict, there’s about a 50% chance that at least one of you meets the criteria for a personality disorder. So yes, it’s possible.

But here’s the thing: armchair diagnoses don’t help anyone. Unless your co-parent has been evaluated by a professional trained in diagnosing personality disorders, there’s a good chance you might be mislabeling the problem.

And that matters—because if you misdiagnose the issue, you might be missing opportunities for real, meaningful change.

If It’s Not Narcissism, Why Are They So Awful?

After working with hundreds of separated families, I’ve heard the word “narcissist” thrown around far more than I’ve actually met people who truly fit the diagnosis.

More often, what gets labeled as narcissism is actually:
✔️ Poor communication skills (often on both sides)
✔️ Difficulties in emotional attunement
✔️ Poor conflict resolution skills
✔️ Unidentified Autism or another neurodivergence

If you’re reading this and already gearing up to argue, saying, “No, but my co-parent REALLY is a narcissist!”—I hear you. And I’m not here to dismiss your pain.

What they have done HAS hurt you. You are not imagining what you’ve experienced. You are not overreacting. But you might be misidentifying the root cause.

And this is why that distinction is crucial:

Because all of the above problems can be changed. And if there’s even a slight chance that your co-parent isn’t a narcissist but instead struggles with communication, emotional regulation, or neurodivergence, that means there’s also a chance that your co-parenting dynamic can improve.

I’ve seen high-conflict co-parents transform into effective, low-conflict partners just by learning to communicate differently. Sometimes, understanding that a co-parent processes emotions or social cues differently is enough to shift everything.

And that is a much easier road than co-parenting with an actual narcissist.

Understanding the True Narcissist

If your co-parent really is a narcissist, you probably know firsthand how challenging that can be.

Here’s what’s happening behind the scenes:
🛑 They fear being alone or losing approval.
🛑 They struggle with self-soothing when distressed.
🛑 They may have empathy but lack the skills to express it.
🛑 Deep down, they believe they are unlovable—and they are terrified that the world will find out.

For a narcissist, separation and divorce are terrifying. They are hardwired to seek validation and control, and when a relationship ends, they feel an overwhelming loss of both.

That doesn’t excuse their behavior—but it does help explain it.

Now, here’s the real question: How do you know if your co-parent is truly a narcissist or if there’s hope for change?

The Simple Test: Are They Really a Narcissist?

In therapy and coaching, we create a space for people to safely remove their emotional armor and examine what’s underneath.

Here’s what happens:

📌 A true narcissist cannot handle this process.

• They may appear engaged at first, but as soon as we push deeper, they become defensive, explosive, or simply quit.
• They cannot bear vulnerability—it’s too terrifying for them.

📌 Someone who has been mischaracterized as a narcissist responds very differently.

• They might start out resistant, confused, or even angry.
• But in a safe, supportive space, they engage with sincerity.
• They want to be understood and want to improve their communication.

If your co-parent has never had the opportunity to learn healthy communication skills, there’s a chance that your conflict is changeable.

But—and this is important—you won’t get there by fighting them.
When people feel threatened, we all look the same.

Okay, But What If They Really Are a Narcissist?

If you are co-parenting with a true narcissist, the road ahead will be challenging. This is why you want to be absolutely sure before you label them—because if they are, you’ll need to prepare yourself for a very different kind of co-parenting.

Here’s what will help:
✔️ Get well-resourced. A co-parenting coach, a strong therapist, and a solid support network will be essential.
✔️ Educate your support system. Well-meaning friends may give advice that feels good in the moment but makes things worse long-term.
✔️ Stop hoping they’ll change. Instead, focus on strategies to get the best outcome possible for you and your kids.

Two Essential Strategies for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Honestly, these strategies will help any co-parenting dynamic—but if your co-parent is truly a narcissist, they are non-negotiable.

🔹 1. Praise often and loudly.
If your co-parent does anything helpful (even if it’s for selfish reasons), acknowledge it.

• Say thank you.
• Let positive words about them get back to them.
• Tell your kids how much you value any positive aspects of their parenting.

Why? Because narcissists thrive on approval. This isn’t about stroking their ego—it’s about making your life easier and keeping your child’s world as stable as possible.

🔹 2. Address concerns concisely, kindly, and privately.
If you need to bring up an issue, do it:

• Privately. No audience, no public embarrassment.
• Without personal attacks. Stick to facts and behavior, not character judgments.
• In writing. A short, clear, emotionally neutral email allows them to process it without feeling pressured to react defensively.

The Bottom Line

If you suspect your co-parent is a narcissist, make sure you’re right. The label matters, because the approach you take will determine the outcome.

If your conflict stems from poor communication or unresolved issues, there is hope. If your co-parent is truly a narcissist, you’ll need a different set of tools to navigate the road ahead.

Either way, you don’t have to do it alone.

Which of these insights resonates with you? Let me know in the comments or reply to this post.

#CoParenting #Narcissism #HighConflictParenting #BetterCommunication #WordsThatWork #TheCoparentsPath