Coparenting During The Holidays

Plan Ahead

Make a holiday co-parenting plan. In all likelihood, your custody agreement has one, but as kids grow older, and situations change, things may need to change. If you already have a plan, review it, consider any extenuating/changing circumstances (new relationships, illness, corona, etc)and re-evaluate if necessary. Consider traditions you value, and want to continue, be willing to let go of activities that cause more stress than enjoyment. Let your kids know ahead of time what the plans are (with reminders that things can change) so that they have the opportunity to prepare themselves for what is to come. To err on the safe side, assume nothing, remember that compromise is key, and the kids come first!

Prioritize the Kids

Seeing things from the kids perspective can help guide your decisions. For example, if you are invited to 3 or 4 different celebrations in one day, imagine this from your child’s point of view. Are the kids having time to relax and enjoy themselves, or are we creating a whirlwind of stress, chaos and exhaustion?

Acknowledge That Things Are Different

Because many holiday celebrations are structured around time with family, thos may trigger unexpected feelings, your kids may act out, you may find yourself feeling sad (particularly if this is the first holiday season as a divorced family). Sit down with your kids, acknowledge that this can be a difficult time for everyone. Change is hard, acknowledging that, especially acknowledeging that out loud, together gives you the opportunity to feel those losses, feeling the losses in turn allows for you to begin again and create new ways of celebrating. Talk with your kids, brainstorm new traditions you want to start, maybe bring back some traditions from when you were a kid! Start new traditions, keep the focus on being together in this new way. Remind your kids that you have not divorced them and that you love them unconditionally.

Coordinate on Gifting

It’s important to remember that excessive gift giving (overcompensating) doesn’t change the facts, you children’s parents are still divorced, no gifts or amount of money will change that. Overcompensating with gifts can set an expensive standard for holidays to follow, it can also lead to resentment and anger from your co-parent. Instead, try to coordinate with your co-parent, agree on a budget, communicate about who is giving what.

Be Flexible

Not everything will be fair when co-parenting around the holidays. You aren’t going to get everything you want when it comes to time with your kids, and neither is your co-parent. Flexibility and a willingness to compromise where necessary is an act of goodwill that can make things much more pleasant in the long run! It also models good behavior for your kids.

Be Sure to take care of Yourself

It’s the old put your own oxygen mask on first. Parents who take care of themselves emotionally and physically are better able to take care of their kids. Try to get enough sleep, eat well, stay hydrated, and be sure to protect your you time!