Dating After Divorce

After the divorce, how soon should you start dating?

Children need and deserve some time to adjust to their parents' separation before their mother or father begins having new romantic interests. In general, a good guideline is about a six-month wait from the time you separate from your spouse to the time you start to date, although dating will often occur sooner. You should talk with your child about your new adult friends. Al­low your youngster to express her feelings and opinions.

Here are some other suggestions to keep in mind:

You don't need to introduce your child to all your dates—only to those with whom you are developing a serious relationship. Although they may be curious about a person you are going out with, she might form an attachment before it is appropriate to do so. She may want you to marry immediately in hopes of creating a new, more traditional family unit. Be sure to explain to your child the differences between dating, developing a relationship, becoming engaged, and getting married; she should understand that not all dating and friendships end in marriage. Also, discuss with your partner the best time to meet your child. Do not put pressure on your partner to meet your child before they feel ready to do so.

Prepare both your partner and your child for their first meeting with each other. Tell your youngster about this and explain why you like him. (Is he smart? Is he fun to be with? Does he have a good job?) Then say something like "I was thinking that you might like to meet John. Would you like him to come over for dinner, or would you like the three of us to go out to dinner together?" Show her that you would like her to participate in arranging this first meeting. Also, tell your partner about your child. Describe what the youngster likes to do, what sports she enjoys, her hobbies, what she likes in school, and other information you think might be helpful.

Don't expect miracles during that first encounter. There may be some anxiety during the first meeting. The goal of that get-together should be only to say hello—not for the two of them necessarily to like each other. Don't rush things. They will need to develop their own relationship over time. Discourage your partner from trying to impress your child, or from attempting to get too close too quickly.

Help your child deal with any negative feelings she has. Sometimes children may see their mother's new love interest as a threat to their fantasy parents will someday reunite. When this person becomes a serious enough part of your life that you are introducing them to your child, you also need to deal with any unrealistic ideas your child has ("Daddy and I are divorced, and we really are not going to get back together again").

Your child will likely prefer you to be with their other parent than to your new partner. But with time, she might come to see this person as someone with whom she can be friends and have fun. Any jealousy she feels over your dates with another man will probably be resolved after an initial period of adjustment

Also, let your co-parent know that you will be making introductions. Your child should not feel that this is a secret she must keep, or that she will have to be the one to disclose this information to your ex, the responsibility belongs to you. hildren should not be keepers of secrets.

Show some discretion about intimate relationships. Children learn about the adult world through example—particularly from parents. As you develop a relationship keep in mind that your child is learning about intimacy at the same time. Open age-appropriate communication during the development of a sexual relationship will allow your child to experience a new level of awareness about grown-up behavior. But direct exposure to frankly sexual conduct is not a good idea.

Validate and reassure

No matter their ages, explain (to your children) why you’re dating and that no one will ever replace the other parent, tell them they are your first priority and you’ll always be there for them, no matter who you’re dating.

If kids are resistant or negative, try not to be defensive, acknowledge and validate feelings, and give extra hugs.

Every kid is different

Take each child’s temperament into consideration and developmental age, Be concrete with little ones, abstract with teens and pre-teens. Always use the concept of friends.

Fun and neutral

First, second, even third meetings of a “significant other” and your respective kids should occur in neutral, fun locations – Chuck E. Cheese, parks, putt-putt courses or movies – places devoid of pressure.

Encourage the other parent relationship

Whether the divorce was good or bad, whether there’s still feelings of resentment or bitterness, be kind to each other. Don’t throw a new love in your ex’s face. Keep respect for your kid in mind. Let your ex know you’re dating; don’t let him or her find out from the kid or a friend. Let your ex know if you’ve decided to get married – be short and sweet, don’t write a litany about how happy you are to pledge your life to that person.

When your child warms to a new partner, they may feel anxiety, thinking it’s a betrayal of the other parent. Plus, it ends the “reunification fantasy” that all kids of divorce maintain, hoping their parents will reunite like The Parent Trap.

Provide clarity that it’s OK to like and love two different people, “You can love your father or mother and also care about a new person. It’s not wrong.”